Weekend in DC/Annapolis

This past weekend we went to Annapolis for a wedding and had a little bit of time to visit our friends (Jess and Colin Anderson, Emily and Josh Cullum and Liz and Chris Jarvis) in D.C. It was so fun, but never enough! Hopefully I'll get to make it back sometime soon! Jess put up a few pictures on her blog: http://smutchfun.blogspot.com

And here's a spoiler (I stole this from her blog). Beautiful weather and beautiful friends!

You Tubes Worth Watching

I'm not a You Tube addict, unlike someone I share an apartment with... though I will say I always enjoy a good laugh, something You Tube readily provides, if you know where to look. However, there is a depth to You Tube that I don't often see, as my main channel of viewing YT videos is through Brian's recommendation. Clearly, there is a lot of nonsense out there, and certain videos that appeal to only a select audience. I did recently find (the first via twitter, the second through the suggestions that pop up once you're in the site) two videos absolutely worth watching because of the joy they bring, not through laughter but through music.

3 year-old Jonathan conducting Beethoven's 5th (4th movement):
http://www.youtube.com/user/esenuk#p/a/f/0/0REJ-lCGiKU

Alice Dancing Under the Gallows (about music and hope in the Holocaust):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QlccsLr48Mw

London

So this is Borough Market, an outdoor market of a huge variety of foodstuffs. It was my favorite place in London! I sipped sangria while walking around the market checking everything out. 

 I finally decided on a curry pie for lunch because it seemed so quintessentially London, and I did not regret it at all--delicious!

 And for dessert I couldn't resist these meringue cookies bigger than my hand!

 Brian and I in Greenwich... you can't really see it, but the London skyline is behind us.

 We went to Greenwich to see the Prime Meridian. It wasn't quite as cool as I thought it would be, but there I am, purple converse-clad, stepping over the spot from which all world navigation is measured.

 Trafalgar Square in the winter... cold and empty!

 

Trafalgar Square in the summer is a vast improvement over the winter!

 

This is actually in Oxford, a side trip I made to visit Jenny and enjoyed immensely! The Eagle and Child is the bar in which the Inklings, an informal literary group including C.S. Lewis and J.R.R. Tolkien among others met together. 

Athens

More pictures from the past year, starting with our trip to Athens last February.

 Brian and I standing on Mars Hill--where the Apostle Paul gave a famous sermon--looking up at the Acropolis. It was a long, circuitous route up to the top of the Acropolis, but clearly worth it. We adopted a stray dog along the way and named her Athena, but we had to part ways when we went up to see the Parthenon. I think she got tired of us because we didn't give her any food.

 This is actually in a reconstructed Roman marketplace at the foot of the Acroplis.

 And here we are on our adventure to the Mediterranean Sea on 3/4 tank of rented gas--we couldn't get a rental car with a full tank because of the strikes.

And the view from our hotel...

I struggle to finish things. A few examples: four unfinished books with bookmarks in them I finally returned to the bookshelf after sitting on my bedside table for months. Multiple unfinished bags of snacks in the pantry, unopened in weeks. Or months (yikes!). Mosaics hanging above my sink: four finished, the fifth hanging without grout for two years now. Several blog posts, half-written, or even three-quarters done, still yet unfinished, floating in the unpublished abyss of my blog dashboard.

So, I decided to tackle something easier than finishing things I've started. I'll just post a few pictures to get things moving. Pictures are easy--no thoughts that require completing. So here you go:

New York with Mom and Brooke

 Top of the Rock: In lieu of waiting hours in line to ascend the Empire State building, we took a recommendation to try the Rockefeller Center instead, which turned out to be a phenomenal suggestion! Short lines and clear plexiglass instead iron bars made it very worth it. And on the way up, we enjoyed an elevator ride with other tourists from every officially English-speaking country in the world. Except Belize. I think.

 We did some art-museum visiting. I think I wore Mom and Brooke out--I could probably wander around art museums forever. I feel pretty lucky--in the last few months, between Rome, London and New York I've gotten to see an amazing amount of art spanning genres and centuries.

 We tried two famous cupcakeries, and though Magnolia may be the original, Crumb's was the most original, not to mention the best. No standard cupcakes here! Neither in flavor or in size! As you can see, two cupcakes--peanut butter cup, filled with peanut butter icing, and half and half, topped with brownie and cookie bits--between the three of us nearly did us in.

Brooke and I in Times Square, on our way to Mesa Grill (Bobby Flay's restaurant). Extremely delicious!

A mess, a cold, and a party. Oh, and some salmon.

Monday, I didn't feel very good. Tuesday, I passed out in the shower. Wednesday, I cooked a meal for twelve for a going away party. I was concerned for a moment there that I just might keel over in the kitchen. The heat, the sniffling, the kleenex, the mess, the stress... Having large groups of people over for dinner is not an infrequent occurrence in our household, and with a bit of practice under my belt I thought I could confidently say that gone are the days where people are arriving and the food isn't even in the oven yet, where the pantry is raided for anything resembling an appetizer as it takes an hour (or two) longer than anticipated to get the food done. Unfortunately, it was 7:30 (I thought it was 7), people were arriving and I didn't even have the spinach artichoke dip pulled together! Thankfully, with a few extra hands, and the glorious fact that salmon doesn't take very long to cook, the dinner actually ended up being a success.

Overstuffed fridge, plus...

all these groceries...

 ...and a messy apartment. 4:30pm. Time to move.

A word to the wise: the best way to cut down on things to do day of is prepare ahead of time. In the countless times we've had people over, I have literally never managed to do that. This week, I was so excited because I was going to make this cake I'd been inventing in my head, and I was going to do it on Tuesday. A whole day ahead of time! Unfortunately, Tuesday came around and I crashed in bed at 9pm. So, three hours, one cake, one salad, one veggie, a loaf of bread, and twelve pieces of salmon.


First, the cake...
Let me just confess something to you first: I bought three boxes of butter. As in, twelve sticks of butter. 6 cups. 9720 calories. Holy belt-buster. The good news is, there's still a box left in my fridge. And, I didn't end up using all the chocolate frosting containing massive amounts of butter. (I froze the rest of it to use--or eat with ice cream--later. Not sure if it's freezable, but I'll get back to you on that.) Still probably warrants a run around the block, though.

So, the cake. Pioneer Woman's sheet cake. Recipe here best. chocolate. cake. ever. Double the recipe, bake it in round cake pans. Bake them about 22 minutes, but keep an eye on it every minute after 20 minutes--you don't want to overcook it! You should end up with four round chocolate cakes. Let them cool before trying to get them out of the round pans. You can put them in the freezer if you'd like, but don't let them get too cold.

Then, the frosting. I made double recipe, but that was a bad idea. Just one is enough. I made a raspberry filling by whipping up some cool whip lite, with a little bit of raspberry jello mix for flavor and a couple heaping spoonfuls of raspberry jam.

Assembly: one cake. Raspberry filling with a few raspberries. Continue for two more cakes, using up all the raspberry filling. Then, put the last cake on top and pouuuurrrrr the chocolate frosting over the top. Careful, it spills over and pools at the bottom. Concave cake stand is recommendable. I threw some raspberries on top for decoration. Doing it again, I might have put some of the chocolate frosting in between all the layers as well, but not too much to overwhelm the raspberry filling. I'm also contemplating a hazelnut filling (read: Nutella) version of the cake, but I'm concerned it may actually be too rich. Is that a valid concern? It's never stopped me before...

Aaaand here's the masterpiece. It was hard to keep the cake from being eaten long enough to take a picture, so a half-eaten cake will have to do. Oh and the Bluebell vanilla? Perrrfect accompaniment. Just in case you didn't get enough frosting in the cake, the leftovers double nicely as chocolate sauce for the ice cream.








Green Beans
Fresh green beans with ends snapped off, blanched in boiling water until just barely done. Sauteed some garlic and onions, cut long, with olive oil in a big pan. Right before the salmon was done, I tossed the blanched green beans into the pan and heated the green beans up, as well as kosher salt, pepper and squeezed a lemon on top. Done. My favorite dish ever.

Mandarin Orange Salad
Mixed greens or spinach will do. Two cans of mandarin oranges, rinsed out and chopped roughly. Chopped green onions, and some sliced almonds on top. Toss with some kind of asian salad dressing--I used Eating Right's sesame something spritzer. Liked it.   

Whole Wheat Beer Bread
1.5 cups of all-purpose flour
1.5 cups of whole wheat flour
4 1/2 tsp of baking powder
1/3 cup of brown sugar
1/4 tsp of salt
1 can of beer
Throw it all together and bake at 350 for about 40ish minutes, until a knife comes out clean all the way (has a serious tendency to stay doughy in spots). If you were having a night like I was, you might need another can of beer to make the cooking easier.

And finally, wait you were actually waiting for--Brown Sugar Dill Salmon
It's unbelievably simple. First, marinate the salmon in soy sauce for a little while. Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.Then:
Take some brown sugar, kosher salt, black pepper, cayenne pepper and fresh chopped dill and throw it all together. You'll want enough to pretty much entirely cover each salmon fillet, so start with the brown sugar as the base. It doesn't save well so I'd recommend trying to hit it right on. Don't skimp on the salt and peppers--they give it the kick that compliments the sugar and dill so well. I don't measure it out--taste it until it seems right. Warning, it doesn't actually taste good like that, but you'll get a feel for if the flavors are balanced. If I were guessing, I would say 1/3 cup brown sugar, 2 tsp kosher salt, 1 tsp black pepper, 2 tsp cayenne pepper, and one bunch of fresh dill, chopped--roughly 3 tablespoons? (Please don't take my word for that, I was doing mental-picturing... sometimes that can be wayyy off.)
Cover each salmon fillet in the brown sugar/dill mixture--the more the better. Then throw it in the oven and bake til done! I'm not very good at knowing exactly how long to cook--you'd be better off consulting another cookbook or recipe for that! Shouldn't take more than 15 minutes to finish, and don't crowd the fish!

Done. Add a little pineapple sangria (white whine, peach brandy, sprite, mint, sliced oranges, pineapple juice and crushed pineapple) and you've got yourself a party. Here's a little preview:

A friend came over recently and pointed out how everything we have is multi-colored. Oh you couldn't tell from the tablecloth and the Fiestaware plates? Picking just one favorite color is much too heavy a burden.








And just in case you were wondering,
Spinach Artichoke Dip
8 ounces sour cream light
8 ounces (1 package) fat free cream cheese
8 ounces light cream cheese
1/2 container of shredded Asiago cheese 
half of a package of frozen spinach
a can or jar of artichoke hearts, patted dry and chopped
half an onion or so, chopped
2 jalapenos, chopped
salt
pepper
cayenne pepper to taste 
The best method would be to saute some garlic, jalapenos and onions in a little bit of oil with salt and pepper to bring the flavors out, then add the rest of the ingredients. I might add some cheddar cheese too for a stronger flavor. If you have an enamel-covered cast iron dish, (like Le Creuset), I recommend using it on the stove to melt everything then serve in said dish, on a trivet. There's probably a better recipe out there, and I fully encourage you to use it. Just letting you know what I did. It works. Maybe not the absolute best, but it did get eaten.

Well, maybe next time I'll get more pictures of the actual food. Until then, buena suerte with the salmon.

The Cost of Holiness

"Coddled people will not be good listeners when their world collapses. They will be numb with confusion and rage at the God who wasn't supposed to allow this. 'If this is the way God is, why didn't you tell us?'"

John Piper, Spectacular Sins

There was a time during my sophomore year of college that I came to realize that I was extremely unhappy. It was a slow realization, and along with it, a realization that I was angry. Angry at a God who wasn't supposed to allow me to be unhappy. My primitive understanding of God was that if I followed all the rules and, for the most part, was a generally good person, He would bless me and keep my life happy. Things were supposed to be easier with Him on my side. 

No one bothered to explain that Jesus had a penchant for mixing up words like first and last, greatest and least, life and death, easy and hard. Nor that the point of life was not so much to go my own way with "Him on my side" so much as to pursue holiness and sanctification at all costs. Oh, and that there would be costs. 

I remember vividly sitting at the end of a table of about five women around 7 in the morning (which, in college time, is an absolutely ungodly hour) at our weekly Bible study meeting, starting to share for the first time how extremely unhappy I was. I remember saying, pleading with them, "I thought God wanted me to be happy, right?" Our leader started to shake her head and I felt the room begin to spin. She started in on something about the difference between happiness and joy and I felt like I'd been socked in the stomach. I'm not sure if I said it aloud, but all that I could think was, someone should have told me! All these years, I thought the idea was that living with Christ made life easier, as if He were some sort of talisman to ward off evil. That there could be any purpose of God in my unhappiness was utterly beyond my understanding.

It took me another year to understand that no, God's priority was not my happiness but rather my holiness, and that oddly enough, holiness often comes at a price of pain. As our pastor Matt Chandler says, you don't just drift into holiness. It has taken another four years to start to deal with the idea that:

Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him. --Prov 13:24

and that:

For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. --Hebrews 12:6

or that:

For they [earthly fathers] disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. --Hebrews 12:10

though the first part of this verse has always been self-evident:

For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. --Hebrews 12:11

I imagine that I have only begun to understand, at age 24, the way in which God uses suffering and pain in the pursuit of holiness, or what discipleship and sanctification can truly cost. I give thanks, though, for the lessons on pain God has seen fit to ordain in my life, that I may not be one of the "coddled people" Piper speaks of, dismayed at the value God puts on holiness.

Decisions, Decisions

I have a really hard time making decisions in general. I'm generally afraid of making the wrong decision, particularly leading people into bad situations. And by bad situations I generally mean bad restaurants. Recently, I haven't been able to make a decision about anything: are we going to move? where? or stay?; sell the car?; what to do about my job....?; should I get another part time job? haven't you been thinking about that for the last five months?; where should we go for the 4th of July?; what should I do with my vacation time?; where should we go/when should we go for vacation?; what color to paint my new window project?. These are literally the questions that plague me everyday. Yuck.

Until today. A friend is trying to convince me to take seminary classes. I've been a hard sell on everything else in my life right now, but all of a sudden after just a few minutes of telling me why I should do it, I found words coming out of my mouth whose origin I was unsure of. They were decisive words. Action words. I found my fingers typing in the website and looking up information. I'm pretty sure the decision had already been made and I just stumbled upon it.

So I went home to start thinking about this idea of taking classes and to begin the reading list I'd been given, and I found myself unwinding by working on my window project. Musing on our conversation and future plans I hardly noticed that I was sitting in my living room with my window project, which had sat there for three weeks while I made up my mind, and I was painting it gray.

As I mentioned in my last post, I don't know exactly what the purpose of this blog is. I don't have sarcastic and witty life commentaries. I could post recipes and pictures but there are people out there who do a far better job. I don't have a cute kid whose pictures I post for grandparents far away (yet). My life itself does not pass its time in glorious fashion with incredible and unique experiences. However, I think I may have found it. Let's just say, for argument's sake, that I push forward with these seminary classes. Well, maybe I can blog about what I learn. Practice writing about it, thinking about it, describing things in laymen's terms. Ways I might apply theology to my life, where I am now. Probably equally as uninteresting, but it doesn't get any worse than a readership of zero :)

Just a thought.

Handwriting and Blogging

Every year the non-profit that I work for has a staff appreciation party right before the teachers go on vacation for the summer. It's supposed to be a big appreciation for all the staff but the administration inevitably ends up helping in the end, plus, given that we stay for the summer and the rest of the staff has summer vacation, the teachers seem to get a bigger kick out of it than we do. But who doesn't love a good party, away from your desk and emails?

So this year's party was Mardi Gras themed. It's much easier to plan themes, etc., when out of 79 staff there are only 3 men. The Mardi Gras shindig included caricature artists, lots of beads, a fortune teller, masks, flip book maker and a handwriting analyst. I love handwriting. Sometimes, I confess, when I'm journaling, I pay far more attention to how I write than what I write. Despite copious amounts of skepticism (her business card had shooting stars on it and she wore a magnifying glass as a necklace), I was anxious to have my handwriting analyzed. I mean, her sign said she was a Ph.D., so I figured she must be trustworthy.

I heard a couple people who went before me say that she really nailed them, but I felt sure that was wish-fulfillment or whatever the appropriate psychological jargon is. I sat down at the table and copied the lines, extra careful to be unstudied and natural. She picked up the paper and started scribbling a bunch of things at the bottom. She started saying things that were just so ridiculously true that I was very disarmed--I like perfection. Not a perfectionist but always see a better way to do things, always want to improve. Very busy, not just in schedule but in my mind. Stressed. A lot of open ended questions about the future--Was it maybe my job? (yes) housing? (yes) car? (yes). She mentioned a few more inane things that were true and started to hand the paper back to me. "Oh," she said, "and you're very creative. I see a lot of creative writing ability here. Do you keep a journal? Well you should hang on to them--they would be a good basis for your book."

So maybe this is my book-in-making. Thus the reason that I don't blog about what goes on in my daily life. It would never generate readership of any internet or print form. Not that I'm exactly pursuing either of those things with my current blog... Whenever I figure out what the purpose of this blog is, I promise to be much more intentional about my posts. For now, here are the thoughts bouncing around my head.

A New Name

What is it about my name that is hard for people? I personally think my name is a great name. I would name a daughter Caroline if that wasn't weird--unfortunately, I have a feeling that it would be a little strange to have two Carolines running around one household, which means one of us would have to give it up and be called something else. But who would want to be called something else when their name is Caroline?

Despite the virtues of my name, it doesn't seem to work for anyone else. In school people always thought it was Carolyn. Even when I clarify that it is CaroLINE, people still spell it wrong. Please-- Carolyn is so 1970s. And when I think Carolyn, I think blonde. Which I am not. Now, my good friends don't have any trouble knowing the correct pronunciation of my name, though there seem to be issues with the execution, as no one in my life has called me "Caroline" for more than approximately the first two times we met. Caroline has turned into Care, C-line, Lina, Carolina, Caro [Kay-Roh], Caro [Kah-ro (Spanish)], Carol, and multitude of other nicknames with only loose connections to my actual name. In college, the nickname that stuck skipped my first name altogether and derived itself from my last name: "Coop", short for Cooper. I believe it may have had some connection with a character on the tv show "The O.C." Because my life has so much in common with Marissa Cooper, played by Mischa Barton... I won't lie, I really liked the nickname Coop. I even miss it. All I'm asking is, why never Caroline? Is it just too long? Do people not like the three syllables?

There is this crazy phenomenon that occurs in the life of a woman. At some point, most women grow up and get married. And when they get married, most women take their husband's last name as their last name. I've heard plenty of people say that it is an outdated and anti-feminist tradition and that women should have the freedom to be named whatever they want. I understand that sentiment because I was kind of sad to change my name. I really liked being Caroline Farlow Cooper. I liked being called Coop. I liked being a part of the Coopers. But the reason we change our names goes beyond tradition or women's rights--we change our names because it is a part of the way marriage is a picture of God's love for His people. Part of becoming one flesh is the husband taking cues from Christ and the wife taking cues from the Church. As a bride, I change my name to show that I am adopted into a new family. I suppose here on earth you could spend your whole life arguing which family is better, but in the meta-story from which this human tradition takes its inheritance the new family is indisputably the better place to be. We leave the old family of sin and despair, and cleave to the new family of redemption and reconciliation whose Head is Christ, and with that transformation, we leave behind our old family name.

People still don't know what to do with my name. People who hang around Brian long enough start to call me Carol, because that's what he calls me. However, the people that I spend time with who don't get to see much of Brian and never knew me as Caroline Cooper have taken to calling me "Smiley". Hearing that nickname is so strange for me--the whole time Brian and I have been together, I've heard people call him Smiley, and so to hear that nickname that is ingrained in my head as being his applied to me is strange.A voice in my head whispers--Wait, that's not me. That's Brian!

And to think, this earthly tradition is just a shadow of the reality of the Kingdom of God... Could I really be called good and righteous because I am a part of His good and righteous family? Could I really now be an heir with Christ? If He calls me blessed because of Christ, then will others call me blessed as well? Not because of anything I've done, but because I've been adopted into the people of God.

It doesn't make me quite so frustrated to be called Smiley anymore..

Prayer for Her

Tears fall beneath the midnight moon
No one to see her cry
She looks to heaven asking questions
She needs your peace tonight

Smiling eyes and laughing grace
She hides an empty heart
behind that beautiful face.
She needs your peace tonight.

Rain down love on her
Pursue her with your embrace
She needs to feel your presence
O Daughter of Thine
Speak peace to her tonight.

Restore this hurting soul
Speak peace to me tonight.



We are treated as impostors, yet are true; as unknown, and yet well known; as dying, and behold, we live; as punished, and yet not killed; as sorrowful, and yet always rejoicing; as poor, yet making many rich; as having nothing, yet possessing everything.  2 Corinthians 6:8-10

To realize how many prayers You've answered recently is to know that You've answered them all.  Your mercies are truly new every morning, but the greatest mercy is that You always bring morning. Springtime always follows winter. And to think, the roots of Spring grow in the winter and the day changes even in its darkest moment. The changing seasons, fall and spring, stir up something deep in our bones. Like migratory birds we hear the seasons calling us home.

In Christ Alone

In Christ alone, my hope is found.
He is my light, my strength, my song...

The past couple of weeks I have been inexplicably bummed about Brian being gone.  I’m not sure why all of a sudden it bothers me so much—it’s not like I haven’t been through this before. Like, say, every week for the past year. I guess it has only been two and a half months that we’ve been doing the two-weeks-at-a-time thing, but it didn’t bother me much the first couple of times, which may have something to do with the fact that I got to go over to Europe two times in a month.

So, the point is, I’ve been mopey about Brian being gone. I try to fill my time hanging out with friends, doing things I like to do, creating new projects for myself, having my mom visit… but when the friends go home and the projects are done and the movies are over, it still just stinks. It’s like nothing I can do can really fill the hole of wanting to spend time with Brian. Sometimes, it just makes me even sadder that he’s not here.

I was sitting at church playing around on the piano before practice and my hands started playing one of my favorite songs on auto pilot. “In Christ alone, my hope is found…” There is no substitute for Brian, nor is there any substitute for God. The ache I feel for Brian highlights two things for me: One, it reminds me of how constantly I try to fill my soul with all these substitutes for God, but they all just pale in comparison. Two, one thing I consistently try to substitute for God is Brian. I depend on him to make me feel better, to bring me joy, to brighten my day, to bring some kind of completion to my life. I try to put Brian in the role that only God can fill, and I fail. In the end, it leaves me with the same empty feeling I have when I try to fill my time with friends when Brian is gone. The thing, though, is that I have to try to fill my time and pursue other good things when Brian is gone, so even though they leave me feeling lacking, they are still good things, and it is not wrong of me to try to fill my time with them. Substitutes for God, though, do more than just leave us feeling lacking—they kill our souls. In Christ alone my hope is found, even through the fiercest drought and storm.

In Christ alone my hope is found,
He is my light, my strength, my song;
this Cornerstone, this solid Ground,
firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love, what depths of peace,
when fears are stilled, when strivings cease!
My Comforter, my All in All,
here in the love of Christ I stand.

Bandaids.

I need Thee every hour, most gracious Lord
No tender voice like Thine can peace afford

I need Thee every hour, stay Thou nearby
Temptations lose their power
When Thou art nigh

I need Thee every hour in joy or pain
Come quickly and abide or life is in vain

Ugh. Nights after dropping Brian off at the airport are the worst. I should probably make a chocolate sweep before dropping him off. Otherwise I end up making a different kind of chocolate sweep when I get home from the airport--the kind that leaves me with a bit of a stomachache in the morning. Not to mention a guilty conscience.

These nights are the nights when the bandaid gets ripped off. Everyone always asks if we had a good weekend together, and it's always so hard to answer that question. Was it a good weekend? Of course. Was it enough? No. Which makes it really hard to say that it was good or to get excited about it. If you were craving Bluebell ice cream and you got non-fat Safeway brand would you really be satisfied? Well I wouldn't. if you were craving Tex-Mex and you got Mi Pueblo in North Carolina, would you call it "good"? Maybe to be polite, but deep down you would know it didn't satiate your craving. It's just a bandaid until I can get back to Texas and have some Maudie's.

The weekends are often just bandaids. I feel like I'm living my life in a drug store. I'm not saying that, taken as a whole, there's not a real, solid relationship there. Sometimes I just feel like it's buried somewhere under a mountain of bandaids that really need to be sifted through. Just thrown in here and there, causing lots of confusion.

The plus side of having bandaids ripped off my heart every week (or for the weeks that Brian's gone for longer, it's like having a wound dressing clawed off) is that it forces me to recognize my need for Christ, both because it causes a lot of pain and because of the way the desire to be with Brian parallels my relationship with God.

I have good days and I have bad days. Actually, it's really down to the moments. For example, I was having a good moment when I was at Ozona's with my friends. Having a bad moment when I was back home watching gossip girl and ate two cake balls. I'm pretty sure that should be illegal. That amount of sugar should be considered a drug. Oh well. Had about five yesterday.

I don't really like having bad moments, but when they come and make me do stupid things like have two desserts or cook frozen pizza or watch multiple hours of tv (concurrently doing two of those. I'm sure the frozen pizza would have tempted me if I had any left), it makes me realize how much I wish I could be with Brian, which in turn makes me realize how we were designed to be in God's presence, and walking with God all the time. It reminds me of how much I need Christ, because let's be honest, as good as two cake balls are, they don't exactly heal the hole in my heart, and when we really get down to it, neither does Brian. Which is really unfortunate because I sure would like him to. But no, Christ alone. And, I need Him every hour.

Television numbs me, desserts appease me for a second before the guilt sets in, reading distracts me. Christ alone can give me peace. Perhaps if I focus on that before settling in to my guilty pleasures I would find those temptations losing their power as the song promises.

My Grace is Sufficient

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9

This morning, the Charles Spurgeon devotional I was reading was centered around this verse, talking about how if we truly desire to glorify God we are going to run up against a lot of difficulties and trials, for it is by standing strong in His grace through those difficulties that we glorify God. I liked this quote a lot:

It is like seeing a lighthouse that has been built far out in the sea. On a calm night I cannot tell if the lighthouse can withstand pounding waves, but once a storm begins to rage around it I will know if the structure will continue to stand....If powerful winds never blew upon it, I would not know how firm and secure is the Spirit's work. 

It's nearly impossible for me to think about God's grace, and especially the sufficiency of it in trials without thinking about my sophomore year in college. Both my freshmen and sophomore year were very difficult, but the spiritual struggle I felt my sophomore year was beyond anything I have ever felt before or since. I was caught in the grip of loneliness, anxiety and depression and could not for the life of me find my way out. The particulars are a long story for another day, but the point is this: I was at rock bottom doing everything I could to claw my way out of it to no avail, and it wasn't until the Lord took away all of my recourses that I began to trust in Him alone to save me, and He brought me out of a place I never thought I'd escape into a joy and life that was beyond my imagination. His grace was truly sufficient for me. 

The reason this verse and that quote really spoke to me this morning, as I was reflecting on how His grace has been more than sufficient for me in the past, was that I realized that His grace is currently being more than sufficient for me right now, and I'm not sure I even saw it. If feeling alone in the midst of a huge crowd of people was enough to send me into the throes of anxiety, loneliness and depression, then why, now that I am truly alone, do I not crumble? The first four months that we lived in Dallas, I was alone with no job, no friends, truly knowing no one, just hanging out at home while my husband worked all the time. Anxiety certainly reared its ugly head in ways I hadn't ever seen it before, but underneath it all I still felt a peace--loneliness was held at bay, which I attributed to being with my husband. He did come home every night, even if it was late. Then he started traveling, being gone all the time. Still, despite moments of anxiety, the depths of despair were held off. I thought it was because I now had a full time job and was starting to make friends. Finally he got put on a case in Europe and now he's truly gone two weeks at a time. On top of that, my job went down to part-time, so I now have a whole lot of extra time on my hands, alone. Even spending a lot of time with friends, I still have more time alone than I ever had. I can barely even talk to my husband on the phone. That's where I find myself in this moment. 

And yet, I feel peace. Things were hard in college, but things could be so much harder right now. And they're not. I feel like those monsters are still there, but held at an arm's length by His sufficient grace. It's like Paul said--I asked the Lord to take these monsters away but instead, the Lord says to me, "My grace is sufficient." I still have to battle through them and constantly seek the Lord to fight them off, particularly anxiety, but I have come to know that in my weakness I am made strong. I thought that those monsters were still there, ready to come get me if I let my guard down for a moment. What I had not realized was that the Lord had put me on a strong foundation, built up protection around me, and given me His sufficient grace as a covering, so that I could be made strong even in my weakness. And, by going through these trials of being alone and Brian being gone all the time, all of this was revealed to me.  It's sort of like God built me into a lighthouse in college, and yet took away the storms at the same time. Now, He sends the storms back to show me how strong of a lighthouse He has built me into, so that I might rejoice even more in the marvelous, unimaginable sufficiency of His grace. 

Extro or Intro?

I want to read this book called Introverts in the Church. It was blogged about on Unearthe, a Village Church blog. I have a confession: I think I might be an introvert. I've always kind of wondered... I've taken the Meyers-Briggs test a few times and come up with different results each time. Psychologists say that's not supposed to happen, but the problem is I answer differently every time because there is no "sometimes" response. (I could be wrong--it's been awhile since I took it.) The point, though, is that every time I come out somewhere in between extrovert and introvert, but I choose (oftentimes subconsciously) to think I am an extrovert because that is much more accepted. We might say that's not true, but I've always felt weak for my fear of talking to people. At least, I've been told I'm afraid of people. After I read this quote from the book in the blog describing introverts:

• Appear calm, self-contained and like to observe
• Tend to think before we speak or act
• Experience our minds going blank in groups or under pressure
• Don’t like feeling rushed
• Have great powers of concentration
• Dislike small talk
• May prefer written communication

I realized, I might be one. And maybe it's not that I'm afraid of people. I'm just not wired that way. And maybe, just maybe, that's okay.

There's one glaring qualification on that list that I definitely don't meet: the whole thinking before speaking or acting.(Very much a verbal processor.) So I thought, I'm obviously not 100% introvert. So I looked up and took some goofy tests online to see if I am an introvert just for the heck of it, and--shocker--scored almost exactly 50% on all. I realize that doesn't make me an introvert. But I also realized that maybe I can stop living up to this extrovert expectation all the time. Maybe it's okay that I don't always want to make small talk with people. Maybe it's okay that I dread phone calls. Do I want to appear aloof? No. Do I want to stop feeling weak and less of a person when I come home exhausted from an entire day of being "on"? Yes. Do I not need friends in my life? Are you kidding me? They are my lifeline. Do I want to stop feeling sinful for not constantly talking to all the people around me? Yes. Please.

One thing about this world that drives me nuts is that everything has to be black or white. I used to picture the narrow and broad gates Jesus describes as juxtaposed--the narrow on one side, the broad on the other. Black and white. Now I picture it more like walking on a really narrow cliff with a drop off on either side. There is legalism on one side, and too much freedom on the other, and progressive sanctification involving further obedience driven by love for the Lord on a narrow cliff down the middle. There is making an idol of money down one ravine, and being a bad steward of what God has given you down another. And so on... I feel like my "condition" puts me in a place of constantly having to balance between the two, which is a constant reminder of what it means to follow Jesus. I need people in my life, and I desperately need to spend time with them. Without good time spent with friends, loneliness and depression start to set in full force. On the flip side, not enough time spent at home by myself cleaning or being quiet or walking or playing piano makes me start to feel frenetic and anxious. At first glance that might sound like I live my life walking on eggshells between two monsters, but I prefer to look at it as seeking freedom in the way that God made me.

All I want is some good time spent with large groups of people, more quality time spent with good friends, and a decent amount of time to reflect and be by myself, and the freedom to pursue that balance without being judged for dreading returning phone calls.

Dirty dishes, dirty clothes, dirty apartment; long week, long day, headed to bed.

Sometimes, you just have to let the dirt and the mess and the chaos go, and seek your rest.

I walked into the apartment tonight absolutely cringing on the inside. There are dishes on my counter that have been there for literally a week. With rice still stuck in the pot. The reason they are still on my counter is that there is a dishwasher full of clean dishes that hasn't been put away. Since Monday. There are dirty and clean but crumpled clothes all over the floor of the bedroom, because I didn't have time to unpack but was lending my suitcase to a friend. There are notes and things on my to do list and random items that need to be put away all over my kitchen table--and really everywhere. There are some jars of expired salsa sitting on my counter, somewhere en route from the fridge to being thrown out. There are dead and dying plants on my balcony that need serious attention, my bathrooms are an absolute mess, I can't even see the actual bedside table under the stack of books and medicine, there are piles of coats on the couch and unpacked bags strewn on the floor. I suppose it is pretty obvious why I would be cringing.

Here's the deal. I left town in a hurry on Thursday morning, came back late last night after a hard week, went straight from the airport to a friend's play, then out with said friends, then tumbled into bed only to wake up about 4.5 hours later to go to church and play piano most of the day, returning approximately 45 minutes before I was hoping to be asleep. I am emotionally and physically exhausted and walking into a chaotic apartment is extremely agonizing. I got home and thought, I should start cleaning this stuff up so that I can relax and sleep better. I'll feel better after everything is clean, I'm sure. That is my general mantra. Then a couple of things occurred to me:
1) I don't actually have the energy to do all of this now, but if I sleep well tonight and seek peace and rest, I very well may have the energy to clean all of this up tomorrow.
2) You do realize that no matter how much time you spend cleaning and organizing and doing, there will always be more to clean, organize and do, don't you?

My immediate reaction to number one is that procrastination is a bad habit and doesn't help anything. But then I started to wonder if perhaps there is a fine line between procrastination and adequate preparation. You don't just head into battle unprepared--that would be deadly. You don't not study for tests--that would just be dumb. Interesting, because Matt Chandler (our pastor) was just talking today during his sermon about how we can't clean ourselves up before coming to God, because we would never get ourselves clean enough, which also speaks directly to number two. We don't clean up our sin then turn to Christ--we turn to Christ and seek Him, His peace and His restoration, and then we attack sin in His power. Hmm.

Needless to say, I decided to go for sleep instead.

The Beginning

I feel like God teaches me a lot in the little things. Teachable moments, we used to call them at camp and in middle school youth group. Sometimes though, I skip right on past those moments and barely soak in the meaning behind them. All of Creation and all of Life is filled with situations that could point one toward God, but our eyes just aren't open. So, I want to start chronicling them. Hopefully it will help me see more clearly what goes on in the world around me and continue reminding me of how God moves in the most mundane of moments.