Extro or Intro?

I want to read this book called Introverts in the Church. It was blogged about on Unearthe, a Village Church blog. I have a confession: I think I might be an introvert. I've always kind of wondered... I've taken the Meyers-Briggs test a few times and come up with different results each time. Psychologists say that's not supposed to happen, but the problem is I answer differently every time because there is no "sometimes" response. (I could be wrong--it's been awhile since I took it.) The point, though, is that every time I come out somewhere in between extrovert and introvert, but I choose (oftentimes subconsciously) to think I am an extrovert because that is much more accepted. We might say that's not true, but I've always felt weak for my fear of talking to people. At least, I've been told I'm afraid of people. After I read this quote from the book in the blog describing introverts:

• Appear calm, self-contained and like to observe
• Tend to think before we speak or act
• Experience our minds going blank in groups or under pressure
• Don’t like feeling rushed
• Have great powers of concentration
• Dislike small talk
• May prefer written communication

I realized, I might be one. And maybe it's not that I'm afraid of people. I'm just not wired that way. And maybe, just maybe, that's okay.

There's one glaring qualification on that list that I definitely don't meet: the whole thinking before speaking or acting.(Very much a verbal processor.) So I thought, I'm obviously not 100% introvert. So I looked up and took some goofy tests online to see if I am an introvert just for the heck of it, and--shocker--scored almost exactly 50% on all. I realize that doesn't make me an introvert. But I also realized that maybe I can stop living up to this extrovert expectation all the time. Maybe it's okay that I don't always want to make small talk with people. Maybe it's okay that I dread phone calls. Do I want to appear aloof? No. Do I want to stop feeling weak and less of a person when I come home exhausted from an entire day of being "on"? Yes. Do I not need friends in my life? Are you kidding me? They are my lifeline. Do I want to stop feeling sinful for not constantly talking to all the people around me? Yes. Please.

One thing about this world that drives me nuts is that everything has to be black or white. I used to picture the narrow and broad gates Jesus describes as juxtaposed--the narrow on one side, the broad on the other. Black and white. Now I picture it more like walking on a really narrow cliff with a drop off on either side. There is legalism on one side, and too much freedom on the other, and progressive sanctification involving further obedience driven by love for the Lord on a narrow cliff down the middle. There is making an idol of money down one ravine, and being a bad steward of what God has given you down another. And so on... I feel like my "condition" puts me in a place of constantly having to balance between the two, which is a constant reminder of what it means to follow Jesus. I need people in my life, and I desperately need to spend time with them. Without good time spent with friends, loneliness and depression start to set in full force. On the flip side, not enough time spent at home by myself cleaning or being quiet or walking or playing piano makes me start to feel frenetic and anxious. At first glance that might sound like I live my life walking on eggshells between two monsters, but I prefer to look at it as seeking freedom in the way that God made me.

All I want is some good time spent with large groups of people, more quality time spent with good friends, and a decent amount of time to reflect and be by myself, and the freedom to pursue that balance without being judged for dreading returning phone calls.

Dirty dishes, dirty clothes, dirty apartment; long week, long day, headed to bed.

Sometimes, you just have to let the dirt and the mess and the chaos go, and seek your rest.

I walked into the apartment tonight absolutely cringing on the inside. There are dishes on my counter that have been there for literally a week. With rice still stuck in the pot. The reason they are still on my counter is that there is a dishwasher full of clean dishes that hasn't been put away. Since Monday. There are dirty and clean but crumpled clothes all over the floor of the bedroom, because I didn't have time to unpack but was lending my suitcase to a friend. There are notes and things on my to do list and random items that need to be put away all over my kitchen table--and really everywhere. There are some jars of expired salsa sitting on my counter, somewhere en route from the fridge to being thrown out. There are dead and dying plants on my balcony that need serious attention, my bathrooms are an absolute mess, I can't even see the actual bedside table under the stack of books and medicine, there are piles of coats on the couch and unpacked bags strewn on the floor. I suppose it is pretty obvious why I would be cringing.

Here's the deal. I left town in a hurry on Thursday morning, came back late last night after a hard week, went straight from the airport to a friend's play, then out with said friends, then tumbled into bed only to wake up about 4.5 hours later to go to church and play piano most of the day, returning approximately 45 minutes before I was hoping to be asleep. I am emotionally and physically exhausted and walking into a chaotic apartment is extremely agonizing. I got home and thought, I should start cleaning this stuff up so that I can relax and sleep better. I'll feel better after everything is clean, I'm sure. That is my general mantra. Then a couple of things occurred to me:
1) I don't actually have the energy to do all of this now, but if I sleep well tonight and seek peace and rest, I very well may have the energy to clean all of this up tomorrow.
2) You do realize that no matter how much time you spend cleaning and organizing and doing, there will always be more to clean, organize and do, don't you?

My immediate reaction to number one is that procrastination is a bad habit and doesn't help anything. But then I started to wonder if perhaps there is a fine line between procrastination and adequate preparation. You don't just head into battle unprepared--that would be deadly. You don't not study for tests--that would just be dumb. Interesting, because Matt Chandler (our pastor) was just talking today during his sermon about how we can't clean ourselves up before coming to God, because we would never get ourselves clean enough, which also speaks directly to number two. We don't clean up our sin then turn to Christ--we turn to Christ and seek Him, His peace and His restoration, and then we attack sin in His power. Hmm.

Needless to say, I decided to go for sleep instead.

The Beginning

I feel like God teaches me a lot in the little things. Teachable moments, we used to call them at camp and in middle school youth group. Sometimes though, I skip right on past those moments and barely soak in the meaning behind them. All of Creation and all of Life is filled with situations that could point one toward God, but our eyes just aren't open. So, I want to start chronicling them. Hopefully it will help me see more clearly what goes on in the world around me and continue reminding me of how God moves in the most mundane of moments.